cool

God was cool today. i cld like feel Him today. mebbe when i have the desire for Him that i feel His presence. well, that's what i've experienced so far. having the desire first, then able to feel His presence. and God's presence has become so precious to me now. it's just the only thing that i really need now.

during the past few days of 'torment', it's like i've gotten back my first love of Christ. God started revealing things that made me rethink my doctrine, rethink my perspection of life and everything else. and my perspection of life is not as smiley as i may look. but i thank God that He hasn't give up on me after all these years.

after that day when everything didn't seem right, i decided to just focus on God. if it's God's will, it's God's will. i can't do anything to change God's will and that is so evident in my life. well, God showed signs of Him protecting me wherever i go and signs that He was near. one day mom said smth abt God's love that made me rethink what God was like. the almighty King or the loving Father? He is both but He is gracious, yet jealous.

william was just saying the other day, no one can love u as much as God. no one on this earth or anywhere else will be able to love u as much as God. God sent His one and only Son to die for our sins, when we weren't even on the face of the earth. He never gives up, He is always seeking, He is always protecting. basically, God is love.

and then it was a reality check for me. a doctrinal check. i had expected life to be easy. i had expected an easy christian life. but no! God did not promise life a bed of roses. He did not say "follow me and u will not suffer" instead, He said "take up ur cross and follow me". christian life was not meant to be a bed of roses for goodness' sake. and i'd expected a life full of blessings with no problems, no worries no nth.

i guess it all started when i was walking so close with God that temptations rose and problems started to appear. i was daunted and then i soon dried up. i was burnt out coz then, i relied on my own strength. coz when i was walking so closely with God, life was bliss. everything was just God's blessings and God's grace. but when everything went wrong, i started to drift away from God. i cldn't believe that problems cld resurface.

christian life is not a bed of roses.neither is it one that is always head-hanging and downcast. one cld live a life with many problems and still be joyful - with the joy of the Lord. it doesn't mean that u can just leave every problem alone. but it also doesn't mean that u need to spend ur entire energy focusing on ur problem. just leave the problem to God and believe that He will give u strength and wisdom. sometimes u do'nt even have to do anything to solve it.

i'm glad i'm going back to God. it's been ages since i knew God was near me. well, today He sent me safely back home and early too. haha. not exactly early but earlier than usual. haha. coz i took the whole north-south line home, accompanied laureen.

yea. and today, when praying during ldrs' trg, i cld pray with that kind of feeling again. ahha. the feeling that i know God's listening and the faith. that faith. which is so impt to me. coz that's God's gift to me to bless others and draw closer to Him.

God's been really really really really good to me. but i'm just not that good enough. all He needs is surrenderness but i'm just not able to do it wholeheartedly.

i shld have been prepared for this. God alr hinted what was gonna happen. well, it did. resurfaced and got worse. but i believe in a God who doesn't contradict. i believe in a God who is the same ytd, today and forever. i know my faith is secured in God's hands.