playing with fire

i realised.
everytime we get too close.
i stop talking.
back to square one.
prolly it's God sounding the alarm.

it's great having to read all the notes and 'thanks' the cell has written for me.
but i wonder, did i really do much? it's never enough to do something for someone.

west cell wasn't a successful cell, but it held potential. the day came when i had full attendance for the first time (= i wasn't a capable enough leader to bring west cell to greater heights. i wasn't good enough to share the stuff God had been speaking to me during cell group. i know my limits (= and that's prolly as much as i could handle.

dreams and visions are stuff that God gives. when i had the vision of the cell multiplying, i nv had in mind of multiplying the cell. all i wanted to do was to just focus on building up the cell. i guess i made a good choice in bonding the cell. it was impt that everyone would feel home and comfortable with everyone else in a cell grp. how else would a cell grp be? to reach out is important. but more importantly, to retain.

i imagined losing michelle, melissa, maysi all at once. but i'm thankful that melissa still attends first service with her aunt, maysi is still in church, and michelle still reads the bible. cell grp and church isn't all important, not without the reading of God's word and having a relationship with God.

i'm happy and contented to have even 30 min of smsing my cell mem to know what's going on in their life. one thing the mentoring book taught me is to be interested in ur mentee's lives. that's something everyone wants and longs to have - people being interested in their lives.

well, the only thing that worries me is whether my members will still be in contact with the cell group and everything that's going on in church. i feel discouraged when my members say "i didn't know about this" because i didn't inform them about it. and i definitely do not want to lose their trust. not having trust in everyone else in the world and not suffering from adolescence and depression is not something everyone can handle.

yea. that's prolly the only reason why i can't bear to leave the cell group. there's like so much to take care of. and i fail to take care of everyone too. i guess i made everyone too comfortable with everyone. well, a new cell would mean new challenges (= i'm sad and worried yet excited for them.

there's so much to let go. at the same time, i sorta will feel more relaxed when i finally do let go off all these worries.