changes

with priorities, come sacrifices. i've never had priorities before, so i almost never had to make sacrifices. sacrificing sleep, rest wasn't part of sacrificing because they didn't really mean much to me. but with priorities, some people, things are placed with more importance in my life. and sometimes it's really hard to distinguish where the boundaries are. sometimes i wish i never had priorities and my life wouldn't be in such a complex state. priorities make me spell out exactly what has to be placed in importance, but in actual fact, things aren't as simple. and yet, it is necessary to have priorities so that the important people in my life aren't neglected.

honestly, if i weren't attached now, i wouldn't be having this priorities struggle right now. but then again, it's good that i'm facing this now, when i'm young and not having to face it when there are even more priorities in my life. if i can't even handle this now, how am i going to handle work and other kinds of stuff in the future. i have to face this sooner or later anyways. and it's good that i'm thinking about this right now.

well, i can't always have the best of both worlds, in this case, the best of all worlds. i'm still trying to adapt to that fact because most of the time i just want to accomodate to everyone and everything. it was leaders' mtg that day and i was on the train home with lau. we were talking about some stuff and usually, i would accompany her home until sembawang and take all the way to je and then clementi just to talk to her. very silly i know because it takes an hour plus of train ride. but it's always worth it because of the stuff we talk about. because it has always been like that, i wanted to accompany her to sembawang, just that i couldn't because alan was waiting for me at clementi to send me home.

i could have asked alan to spend more time with his friends since he was already with them, in the meantime, wait for me since i wouldn't reach clementi so soon. but i didn't because i knew by the time he sent me home, it'd be quite late and we had to wake up early the next day, sunday. although time and rest may not mean much to me, but time and rest of another person meant alot to me, especially alan's.

in a very crude way to put it, the significant people in my life govern my life. but then again, sometimes it isn't really a matter of how much disadvantage i'm in but really, what's really important and necessary for the other party such that they aren't at an disadvantage. and besides, having less of me-time isn't really much of a problem.

but one thing i've learnt from this experience is that i have to make sacrifices one way or another. subtly or not, i still do. it isn't say a bad thing but i've learnt to cope with certain loses. at the same time, i've learnt not to judge. haha. sadly, i judge subconsciously. just like in singapore, it's almost impossible not to label someone by their race, it's almost impossible for me not to judge someone by their character because i've spent half my life thinking about why people behave and stuff.

it's good to have a clear mind about what's going on and not to believe in a fairy-tale-like-world where everyone is nice and no one is evil. it's good to be rational and objective and not so emotional. those are the qualities i've been adopting but it isn't going to do me any good. too much rational thinking has gotten me thus far and i guess, i've got to stop. haha. yup. and stop i have to, before this entry goes nowhere.