How can I know peace within?

"...lead me to the cross of Jesus"

I shared one of the best sharings I had but everything else just go crashing. It's like what Elijah felt after he defeated the prophets of baal. Just after he killed all the prophets of baal and displayed a magnificent act of faith in calling fire from heaven to burn his soaking wet altar, he ran away at Jezebel's decree to kill him.

Just after I realised so many things and after I shared an incomprehensible sharing, everything else just seems to be going the wrong way. Well, stuff like this always happens to me. I should get used to it by now. Life isn't a bed of roses. There will always be a storm amidst all the happy endings.

At this point of time, I really don't know what to do or what to say or how to react. A call from my member made me realise how unreal reality is, that peace can even be subjective. A sentence from my mom made me think whether what I'm chasing after is worth it.

Can it be that all that years is just chasing after the wind? After all the effort I've put in will it still not be enough?

I've had this long thinking through before and countless of times even because nothing I do will ever be good enough for them and everything I say will just be wrong.

At this point of time I should be sure of what I'm fighting for and whether or not it is worth fighting for.

I am and I'll continue to fight. We'll work through this. Because I love you so much.