roads

when i've been living a rather smooth life, there comes a point where i don't know what to do anymore. i've been so led along by life that i feel i'm just being led by something, somewhere, somehow. i let events plan my life and decisions 'forced' upon me. well, i chose the road myself, i can't blame anyone. but as life goes on, i realised i don't have any autonomy anymore. i'm being controlled by my 'life'. i've been moulded into this image and person that sometimes would just do the things that are necessary and important rather than do the things i'd want to do.

and today, i shared about obedience being the key to freedom. i've shared about so many things and many things i downright believe in them. yet, there doesn't seem to be a breakthrough. there was. but now, the whole thing is just gone.

there's like something missing in my life and i know it's God. while i can pretend that i'm taking everything in and acting strong, i can't pretend that God is there. i can't pretend that i'm in God's presence when i'm worshipping my heart out when He isn't there. and things just isn't the same anymore. it's true that this whole education thing has psychoed me even by how much i appear unaffected but sometimes it's just so hard to run away from all these theories and reasoning when i have to actually believe in them that much to do well for my exams.

for the record, i'm having regrets. regretting that i've to go through a semester doing the things i shouldn't be doing. because while i put in effort in actually studying throughout the sem, i don't get the results i want. and it actually is quite depressing when i receive assignments and get below avg results while in the past, i used to do reasonably well without putting much effort. and while everyone is having big dreams and ambitions, i'm just sitting there without a clue, asking God with every step i take, what i'm going to do when i graduate and stuff. sure, i have dreams. my dreams are just too big and impossible. things that i can never accomplish.

and while everyone is excelling in everything else, i'm just mediocre. and i won't just settle for this. and after the exams are done, i just hope my transfer appeal gets through and even if my whole results goes down the drain, i won't mind.

so trapped in the rat race.