greatness

2 weeks of holiday just went by like that. i think i just wasted 2 weeks of my life. maybe not much because i learnt some stuff during the past few days of spiritual emphasis.

actually when 2008 started, i really had no idea what was my goal for this year. things just seemd so aimless and meaningless and even though that constant knowledge of 'i'm living this life for God' kept repeating itself in my head, i still didn't have a clear vision of what was the road ahead.

08 started with me regretting alot of things. very ironic because 07 started with me not realising anything i've regreted in my life. i used to have many ambitions. i wanted to play the keyboard in MM when i was v young and my dad even offered to ask ps aaron to teach me but i rejected. i wanted to learn drums for the fun of it. i wanted to write songs. i had lots of ambitions but i didn't fulfil them because my passion didn't last and my season had ended.

in fact, with the failure to transfer of course and my horrible results, things started to take down turn including my spiritual life. it started out fine as God gave me the peace but it soon grew to numbness because althought that peace was present emotionally, somehow, the mind couldn't fathom the physical.

and then i told God i wanted to give up. and He just left me alone, for about 2 weeks.

it was only until a few days before the spiritual emphasis did i start to realise what was wrong. so i started praying more, tried to seek God more, meditate on His word more, asking God for a goal this year.

couple of things God told me was regarding the sharing for 1st cell. i realised that it's largely because of the cell that God will reveal many truths to me. haha. which is a plus. instead of just sharing on making goals for the year, God told me to make specific and separate goals for our relationship with God, family, friends, studies and etc. goal setting was never my kind of thing.

another was about greatness; something i feared most. everyone wants to be great but me, i just choose to settle for second best. i'd rather be an acl than a cl; i wouldn't want to be the top student; i didn't apply for scholarship thinking i wasn't good enough... and in fact, i even told God i didn't want to receive His calling/blessings because it's just too great for me.

well, after many years of that conversation with God, God revealed smth to me today; that i'm just like the children of israel. when they left egypt, wandered in the wilderness and God showed them the promised land after many miracles and victories, they refuse to enter into the promise land because of the 'giants'. like them, i refused to enter into the 'promised land' God had for me. and thankfully, i didn't wander 40 years like they did but God reminded me again just few days back. and with all the testimonies given by the speakers, i really have no reason to hide because when God calls u, u can't run away.

God has called all His children to be great people and i've ran away from that. it's time i grow up from being a kid and start doing things i ought to like have goals, study real hard, get my results and maybe work part time.

as far as my goals are concern for this year, i just want to study hard and get a cap of 4. and if i manage my time well, i'm going to join tennis in sch. yea. and then i'm going to learn driving next year. but for the mean time, i'm just gg to focus on my studies (=

very hard goals to attain. but that's just it for my studies. and sometimes it's hard to imagine or believe but God is really the only thing in life u need. and sometimes it's hard to imagine or believe that God's way is the best way but it's true. i can never understand or commit myself wholeheartedly that only when i solely believe and put my trust in God that things will turn out right. i used to think it'd be 'holy, holy' to live by God's word but i've grown to realise that christianity is really not just a religion, it's not just a relationship with God, it's a lifestyle, a reality, not just something apart from the physical lives we live.

and to end off, i can be so hyped up over spiritual emphasis or just any other sermon but what really matters is what God speaks and whether i apply it in my life. when dad talked about goals and aims in life, it was a confirmation that i really need to do something about greatness.

thank God.