numbness

it's true that once u've been touched by God's love, u just can't stop the emotions from flowing. it's a school night, and an exam night too. i know i shouldn't be blogging but i couldn't concentrate on history without blogging this entry.

i was born to cry. haha. i cried so easily that when i was wronged in primary 1, i cried in front of all my classmates. my parents would often chide that i cried too easily and for the slightest reasons. but as i grew older, situations forced me to become emotionally stronger, i learnt to harden my heart. it became such that i appeared nonchalant towards everything when in fact, i was just playing with my emotions. there came a point when i didn't know how to express myself anymore because everything just didn't affect me emotionally.

it's true that when feelings are bottled up, they erupt when finally released. when finally i could no longer carry the burden, God revealed Himself to me and that's when i felt the reality of God's love. the emotional burden was just lifted from my shoulders. a miracle didn't just happen then. it took months before the walls in my heart were totally broken down. then God could do His work in my life.

but slowly, walls started to form and they were torn down again.

now, the walls just wouldn't form no matter how hard i try to be numb. i wish it were so easy to just eradicate all tinge of sadness and be numb to things that aren't happening the way they should be. but God's love is present and where His love is, it's impossible to contain the emotions that come forth. for the same reasons the walls were formed, they were torn down. now for the same reasons, i'm at a loss.

when i read about instances of society and why people behave according to what they experienced, i become aware of my thoughts and actions and realised that all that is true. but even adverse, i'm trusting that God will do something. because His love is present and His love is real.

i've also come to realise that crying is a gift from God. because God has revealed so much of what to pray for others through crying and with that i'm able to empathize with others. God works in ways we can't understand and we never will. even when things don't go the way we want to, God will still prevail at the end of the day.