sometimes i don't even realise what i've done

rainy nights are emo nights. haha. oh wells.

i've actually come to a point in my life where i don't really want any changes. honestly, this shouldn't be coming from me because i used to be very accepting. maybe i'm just tired. not tired of studying or running errands or ministry or what. but tired of caring.

i've come to realise that many times now, my actions can't keep up with my words anymore. that's because God has been speaking through me many times, giving me the words to say. before, i would only say things that are what i believe in and what i have been practising in my life, so goes the saying 'walk the talk', if i don't mean it, why should i say it? and if i mean it, why don't i practise it? now, things have changed. i'm no longer able to say things that i practise because they are way beyond me. of course if i go through the whole thought process and things like that, i should be doing what God says. i admit it's not an overnight event nor will it be a sudden change in my life. i ascribe that to a normal, life-changing process in tangent to my learning curve in life. but sometimes, it moves so slowly that i feel my actions can't keep up with my thoughts.

unconsciously, i've constructed this equilibrium of activities, namely: family, alan, friends, ministry and studies, where if i were to upset my schedule a little, it would affect everything else. most of the time, my friends and studies are always hanging at the edge of the cliff.

sometimes, it makes me really sad that i can't put alan in priority as much as he makes me priority. sometimes, it's really beyond my means. sometimes, it's really not to upset my equilibrium. but in all things, relationships or life, we have to make sacrifices. sometimes i wish i never had to set up this equilibrium, that i wasn't to make everyone else happy. if i ever wanted to give a reason for stress everyday, it would be the stress to make everyone happy. it's not really to please everybody but so that i wouldn't have more stress to settle every disagreement.

sometimes, it's really tiring to give. yet at the same time i don't really count it as a loss. after so many years of giving, i'm yet amazed that till now, i'm still able to give. and it shows the infinite love, God pours out, to His people. i'm tired of giving for just a few years, yet God has been pouring His love since He created the heavens and the earth. that's infinity.

love

today, i shall just simplify my blog entry.

God speaks to me especially during worship. there was worship you alone in church earlier on and God spoke again. i recalled the time when i thought the church was just filled with cold people who didn't care whether u existed or not. and God struck this thing in my mind; i did not feel loved because there was no love in me. it brought me back to this particular page in edwj that one can never love if he/she has never experienced love; and perfect love can only come from God Himself.

when one has experienced God's love, their lives will never be the same again and they will never walk the path they'd walked before they experienced God's love. God's love has the ability to change lives because His love is gracious and merciful, abounding in every way. when one has expierenced the true manifestation of God's love, nothing else will satisfy, and nothing else will matter.

God reveals Himself differently to different people. to me, He is a God of grace and a God who sets people free. no one can understand the grace and freedom God has given me. everyone has their limitations. i just happen to have more. haha. but thank God that He gave me the understanding of this phrase that "obedience is the key to freedom". i have limits physically, socially, of almost any kind and my life is pretty much bounded. it's hard sometimes with so many limits that i really tell God i don't have much of a choice in my life and sometimes i just resent to fate.

but God has been very graciously seeing me through the phases of my life. it's something that people don't see and will prolly not believe and it's a very special thing between God and me because only He knows. even with limits, God has provided me with things that go beyond the limits; like money. i can be contented with what i have because of all His blessings. i accept my limits because i have experienced the freedom within these limits and God has just been so wonderful in blessing me.

it's the love of God that sustains me and keeps me going even though things may look bad and things may not go my way. His love pulls me together and strengthens me, giving me the courage to look forward to tomorrow. like even tho there are so much bad times at work, His love still pulls me through, helping me to forgive and forget. right now, it's just a little bit more effort of not gossiping in office. haha. i never gossiped in school. but i don't know why i have the urge to just say a few lines here and there when i'm working.

it's very easy to experience the love of God; just love God wholeheartedly. it's just 3 simple words but so difficult to live out. but no matter how difficult the road may be, it's worth it all.

a saviour suffered

was doing qt just now and was reading isaiah 53. Jesus didn't just came to earth to die for our sins. in fact, He suffered 32 years of His life even though His ministry was only for 3 years. He wasn't really recognised and wasn't really appreciated except for the people who were touched by Him. makes me think if my saviour could endure 32 years of suffering just so that He could die on the cross for the sins of all mankind, how much more i should feel encouraged that He has conquered death and won the victory for all my battles, even in the future. a saviour who didn't give up for the sake of convenience but went through all that so that we could draw near to God without dying because of our impurity. the love of God.

love?

has words but cannot say,
has hands but cannot help.
what good is a man, or friend,
who loves but cannot promise?

the absence of God

cold is the absence of heat
darkness is the absence of light
evil is the absence of God

ps aaron was spot on. i really love to solve problems. be it mine or not. actually i haven't been sleeping as peacefully as usual. been having lots of arguments in my head before i would eventually sleep. maybe that's why i've been so tired lately, especially with all the tests and stuff. but i think i've finally found my answer, or so i think i have.

it isn't about how gd one's devotional life is, it isn't about how good my sharing is or how wonderful the pastor's altar call is. sometimes it's really just a listening ear or a helping hand; an avenue to pour out one's grievances.

was so tired and mentally drained coz i was arguing with God what i should do. i just wanted to throw out all the nicely-phrased sentences that could destroy anyone's life. actually i alr settled what i wanted to do but i stubbornly insisted God should affirm my decision. and of coz i didn't get a reply until today. and after all the debates and digging it to the very basis of all, it all boils down to love.

i was thinking about everything i knew; about the life of Jesus Christ, His purpose on earth, values, reasons of certain behaviours, what i read about last week in philippians 2 when God gave me the verse. finally after setting aside my agenda, God gave me a solution; the very thing i'd been pushing for since last year. well, if God has given me this burden, He will provide and someone will avail. something i really got to pray about.

numbness

it's true that once u've been touched by God's love, u just can't stop the emotions from flowing. it's a school night, and an exam night too. i know i shouldn't be blogging but i couldn't concentrate on history without blogging this entry.

i was born to cry. haha. i cried so easily that when i was wronged in primary 1, i cried in front of all my classmates. my parents would often chide that i cried too easily and for the slightest reasons. but as i grew older, situations forced me to become emotionally stronger, i learnt to harden my heart. it became such that i appeared nonchalant towards everything when in fact, i was just playing with my emotions. there came a point when i didn't know how to express myself anymore because everything just didn't affect me emotionally.

it's true that when feelings are bottled up, they erupt when finally released. when finally i could no longer carry the burden, God revealed Himself to me and that's when i felt the reality of God's love. the emotional burden was just lifted from my shoulders. a miracle didn't just happen then. it took months before the walls in my heart were totally broken down. then God could do His work in my life.

but slowly, walls started to form and they were torn down again.

now, the walls just wouldn't form no matter how hard i try to be numb. i wish it were so easy to just eradicate all tinge of sadness and be numb to things that aren't happening the way they should be. but God's love is present and where His love is, it's impossible to contain the emotions that come forth. for the same reasons the walls were formed, they were torn down. now for the same reasons, i'm at a loss.

when i read about instances of society and why people behave according to what they experienced, i become aware of my thoughts and actions and realised that all that is true. but even adverse, i'm trusting that God will do something. because His love is present and His love is real.

i've also come to realise that crying is a gift from God. because God has revealed so much of what to pray for others through crying and with that i'm able to empathize with others. God works in ways we can't understand and we never will. even when things don't go the way we want to, God will still prevail at the end of the day.