weird

happy cny.

well nt exactly a really happy one. yea. happy happy. but i just feel so strayed away from God. like i don't feel God everywhere and anywhere. i only feel Him, His presence when i really concentrate on Him. it's not like before when o i feel God's presence and i knw He's there. now, it's only when i sing praises to Him that i feel that He's there. and now, i dont feel the need to do qt, spend time with God. everything just feels so tiring.

maybe it's because of certain things that happened that i'm drifting further and further away from God. i knw i'm a ldr and i'm supposed to get things right with God myself and settle it myself coz i shld knw what's wrong because i'm supposed to be spiritually mature enough.

i guess it's not as ez as hearing it or saying it. the only thing i'm thinking of now is taking a break. a long long break from everything. i don't even think of expanding God's kingdom or evangelising to my friends. i don't even think abt what i'm gonna do for God. i don't even know where i'm heading now.

it seemed so gd weeks before that everyday i had a lil of God's strength to go thru each and everyday. but now it seems i don't even have that lil strength to go thru each day. mebbe it's like what aaron said last time that we need to be charged with God's power everyday like the phone batt. we need to be recharged. i guess it's coz i haven't been really spending time with God that's caused this drifting.

ever since that day i cldn't feel the pain and everything, things totally changed. not only i didn't feel pain, i cldn't feel God anymore.

my life's not going to be the same anymore. i know. either i'm gonna live it with my head hanging or i'm gonna face the world bravely, knowing God's got my back.

when God said He wld erase all history, He really did and now, everything just seems so blur, so vague. it's gd. coz there wldn't be anything holding me back now. it's just whether or not i'm brave enough, and have enough faith to believe that each step i take, God will be holding my hand.

i've said my piece. everytime i write an entry, i'll be wondering whether u will read it, coz i'm not brave enough to tell u.

i know

i know now
when i see or think of u
i won't cry
i won't feel sad
my heart won't ache
i won't feel pain anymore
coz i've lost all tears to cry
i've lost all energy to feel the pain
coz God has taken all of them away

finally...

finally i'm connected to the net!!

haha...i sound like i'm some deprived kid.

well. been bridging during the time when i cldn't go online. now i'm so sick and tired of bridge. lol! how amazing. for once i'm saying i'm not bridging for the time being. haha. i can't wait to play mahjong during cny (=(=

well. had been 2 eventful days? maybe. i've got nth to say alr...

if u looked close enough, you probably might see the tears.

nice

so tired. wanted to wake up at 7 this morning to do homework and STUDY. but i cldn't wake up. was too tired. haha. ended up waking at 930. -.- but gd enough. had enough time to print the games for welcome party and do some stuff too.

slept on the way to church. haha. i can really sleep standing man. lol. i shld try mastering the skill to sleep while walking.

the first month of jc2 has been harsh on me. not allowing me to have enough rest and enough time to recover from forced-long-attention-spans during lectures. but thank God i managed to have enough rest everyday and enough sleep. (= really thank God coz that's like almost impossible if i didn't rush my tutorials in class. last yr i cldn't complete a math tutorial during sch hours but now i can. haha. i'm getting my o lvls spirit. lol! except now that i'm gonna have my a levels.

smth i did i wasn't sure whether what i did was right. but. it was the last resort. i really cldn't think of anything else.

wanted to skip youth svc 2mr. but i guess God is always able to encourage me and give me the strength each day. no one knows but everyday i'm making a decision. a very important decision. to follow my faith or to denounce the one and only God. everyday i think to myself: do i still believe in God? do i want to be a christian. and i'm wondering what is it that makes me so hard to continue running this race for Jesus. maybe because of the long-termed problems. made me lose faith that what God promised hadn't come to past. i know whatever God has promised, He will make it happen. i just have to wait. i'll never know what's going on in His mind either. haha...

sometimes i think of falling sick and staying in the hosp for a long time. just to take a long break.

sometimes the actions of others really affect your faith. i don't know how it happens but sometimes because of lil things i give up hope on God. but God's really amazing. everytime i want to give up, He gives me the strength to pull through. makes me think of all the songs. that He'll always be with me.

i just wish for someone to keep encouraging me. i know God has always been giving me encouragement. mebbe i'm asking for too much. but i'm thankful enough for someone to always tell me when i do wrong or my concept is wrong or sometimes i'm just being too naive. u knw, ur someone special. u dare to say things ppl do not dare and ur sincere about it. u'll always be that someone who makes me think out of the box (= silly mr papaya. hahahahaha(:

wei she me?

no it's not that song rena keeps singing. hahahaha...

this week has been alright. ha... v tiing, stressful, u name it u got it.

lots of decision to make. whether it be right or wrong, i still had to make it. because what i choose will determine the course i'll be taking. the smooth wide path or the rough narrow alley. i'm still in the process of making the decision and i need wisdom, need faith to believe. need strength to make the decision. it i know that the choice i'm making is right why am i still thinking twice? what am i still considering ah? haiz. some stupid mistake that ought to have been solved eons ago.

if we cld go back 3 years ago and relive the 3 years like i'm living it now, probably things wld be much better?

everything to me

You're everything to me
You're more than a story
more than words on a page of history
You're the air that i breathe
the water i thirst for
and the ground beneath my feet
You're everything
You're everything to me

this song is really so nice. haha. i haven't got tired of listening to it. lols.

and even tho i'm like SO VERY tired now. i'm very very tired. if i were to lie down now, i'll fall asleep. haha. but i guess i needed to blog when i came online.

i feel cursed today. smth regina wld probably have experienced. haha. BUT. i donno. i'm supposed to feel confused, weird, frustrated? stressed, yes. but i don't really feel anything right now. it's not like this has never happened before. i'm heeding advices now. yea i know the things that God has told me. i'm trying. trying v hard too. if we do drift apart, it'd be inevitable.

i don have time for quarrels, arguments, debates. i've got no more energy to analyse situations now. i'm like trying to study for a physics test 2mr. but i guess i've given up on it alr. i did read thru all 5 chpts. but i'm settling for an F. hope to read more 2mr.

sometimes i just wish u wld grow up.

meaningless

haha. this title reminds me of the writing i did years back. brings back sad memories tho...

probably history's just repeating itself.

well, this week has been kinda a meaningless week. but thru the meaninglessness, i gained smth. haha. pretty ironic huh?

it all started when i was told to do smth which i wanted to but thot twice and decided upon not doing it. maybe the topic shldn't even be brought up. always causes me to focus alot of energy on coming up with solutions, reasons, rationals. mebbe i shld just lean on God. trust Him to lay the path for me. i've tried all i cld. i've done all i can.
understood: it's true that we choose to lean on our own understanding and not on God when we face problems. all along, i thot i'd always look to God when i meet with a problem.

hadn't been doing devotion lately. yea. v sad coz everyday i'm either too tired or just don't feel like doing. thank God there isn't cell this week and i didn't have to prepare sharing. haha. but nx week...guess i'm really worn out by sch and coming online. esp going online coz i always stay up SO LATE. i've got to kick that habit man. like limit myself not to use the com. haha. i realised if i turn on the com, that's it. if i don't touch the switch, i'll be alright. (= yea. and i've started to work on math. shldn't be a prob.
understood: i've realised how impt devotion everyday is. it means talking to God and spending time with Him, understand His plans for me and drawing strength from Him everyday. it's more than the simple prayer i make everyday.

i'm also starting to treasure worship. it's not everyday now i can worship God and sing songs to praise Him. that used to be my hobby. haha. cool. and now, it's hard for me to go for prayer mtgs also. and the reason why i always attend is coz i just want to worship God and just dwell in His awesome presence. coz i need His strength to go thru each and everyday.
understood: every moment spent with God becomes so precious to me. i try to sing songs and worship Him even tho i'm tired and i can't play the guitar. i try to give my best every praise and worship session. my best to praise God.

i'm trying to treasure my friends. honestly, i've always taken them for granted. yea. means most of u guys who are reading this. what deb said is really true. i can go the extra mile for ppl, but there are many things that are holding me back, burdening me that i'm not able to. there are alot of things that distract me and take up too much of my time, especially when i do not plan my time well.
understood: actually wil alr told me abt time management. that's smth i've got to work on. really work on. esp when i'm gonna have As now!!

yea. so much for reflecting. haha. nx week will be a bettet week (=

blessed be Your name.

missssssss

missed prayer mtg ytd coz i always came home late for the past few days. coz of sch and outings. yups. then mom said i shldn't go coz v tiring and besides, i was going church on friday. so ya. decided not to go for prayer mtg. but i kinda missed prayer mtg. it wasn't normal for me to be at home on thurs. haha. then i felt so free, didn't do my homework and stuff and i slept at NINE. haha!! so nice. i finally realised why sleep is SO IMPORTANT. the 8hours of sleep was only sufficient for me to last til 5. so i paid full attention during lects and tuts today. bad thing was that there wasn't phy today, only math. haha. so my math is like improving but my phy is yet to show signs of live.lol. yea.

went church for region gathering today. the whole church was there i guess, except those who cldn't make it. yea. was quite alright. haha. felt v tired. i'm always feeling tired these days. *sigh* i also donno y. maybe coz i haven't been sleeping much now? hmm...

things just dont seem right these days...

tell me

haha just lvled for maple. lol. i think i'm going crazy. ever since i saw the video on youtube of the priest, i'm starting to want to chiong until lvl 70. hahahahahhaha!! ya. and i haven't gotten my 2nd job advancement YET. oh well. another lvl to chiong. hahahahaha...i've calculated. it takes 1.5h for me to gain 50%. means 3h to gain 1 lvl. means one day, i can gain 8 lvls if i CHIONGGGGGG!!!!!!

hahahahahhaa!! SIAO!!

using my laptop to blog now. ahhahaa played maple on my laptop too. i realised that my desktop is lagging big time. lol. the time it took to start up was equivalent to the time my mom took to bathe. so super long la!! alamak. haha. then by the time it start up, it was time for dinner. lol! wasted my time... mapling on lap top so much better. it doesn't lag. haha

ok. enough of crap.serious now.

haven't been doing my qt lately. *sigh* i'm just too tired everyday after sch. the travelling and all that. i think it's not the travelling that wears me out coz i'm always travelling. now i know why all those travellings in my life were for. haha. i'm glad that God has a purpose for everything that happens in my life. (=

yea. but i think it's v bad coz usually i'm able to at least read edwj with sleepy eyes, now i just go straight to bed.=( no wonder i can't seem to be able to concentrate on the things i'm praying for. haven't been spending time with God. *sigh*

well, something that i shld have thot about long ago just came back to me. i'm starting to have doubts. yea. whether what You said was right. was it even Your voice. but i cldn't deny the peace that followed.

i've tried everything i cld. i've tried everything i cld think of. i'm counting on You, God.

i've finally realised how hard it is to listen from God when u have ur own opinions.

plaaaaaaaaay!

this first week of sch has been, well, alright, manageable.

yea. who am i kidding. first week of sch and i've started ponning lectures. but i had a gd reason for not attending lects. coz i was too tired. tried to concentrate during comp but my mind was draining off.. and there were 3 more periods of fm lect!!oh man. i had to skip it. my poor brain cldn't take it anymore. haha. yea. i hope this week wld be better. considering the fact that now sleep is PRECIOUS. it used to be precious but now it's PRECIOUS. haha! yea. i'll only have at most hrs of luxury sleep now. coz my time constraints. if i sleep more than that, i wldn't have enough time to do my hw. haha!!

well, i realised smth just now. smth that God probably spoke to me. it was that everyone is not perfect. everyone makes mistakes. but even tho ppl make mistakes, God still uses them and through them, ppl are blessed. i realised only just then. wow! abit slow ah? haha but thank God i realise it now and not in the future. (=

well, even tho ppl have their faults and it may be intolerable, God's able to tolerate all our sin and our faults, our short comings. who are we to judge others? even God doesn't send lightning down to those who has a big attitude problem or one who doesn't have integrity. who are we to say that so-and-so needs to change and be deprived of the blessings of God.

everyone plays a part in the kingdom of God. everyone has a role to play. and everyone has their own faults. instead of criticising and talking behind ppl's backs, we shld instead encourage one another and with the help of each one another, extend the kingdom of God! instead of focusing the faults of others, y not focus on their gifts and work together? of coz we need to change for the better and to be God-like christians. but if God works thru us when we are imperfect, we just got to trust God that He will change us and be more and more like Him.

just like a book.

you're just like a book.
i don't like to read
but the book's always there

but when i see an interesting book
i'll get the excitement to read
but it soons dies off
before i even get to the middle

i feel uncomfortable and uneasy
everytime i turn the pages
the very fact that
i have to read

sometimes i don't understand
i don't seem to get the plot
or the expression
and i've got to read
10 times 20 times
over and over again

when i read
i don't pay attention
sometimes i doze off
sometimes i blind-read
sometimes i follow the words

i hate reading.
but the only book that amazes me
that makes me wanna read more
the only book in the world
that satisfies me
is the living word
the Bible.

Avalon - Everything to Me

I grew up in sunday school
I memorized the Golden rule
And how Jesus came to set the sinner free
I know the story inside out
I can tell you all about
The path that led Him up to Calvary
But ask me why He loves me
And I don't know what to say
But i'll never be the same
Because he changed my life when He became...

Everything to me
He's more than a story
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything, everything to me

We're living in uncertain times
And more and more I find that i'm aware
Of just how fragile life can be
I want to tell the world I found
A love that turned my life around
They need to know that they can taste and see
Now everyday I'm praying
Just to give my heart away
I want live for Jesus
So that someone else might see that he is...

Everything to me
He's more than a story
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything
And looking back over my life at the end
I'll go to meet you saying you've been...

You're everything to me
You're more than a story
More than words on a page of history
You're everything to me
You're more than a story
More than words on a page of history
You're the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
You're everything to me
Lord, you're everything to me

RAIN

wah. good man. 1st day of 2006. and it RAINED.hahahahahaha.....

so super heavy somemore...

went to church so formal and stuff. actually i just wanted to wear formal for fun. haha. honestly. then everyone was asking. *sigh* and all the ldrs of the church had to go on stage to be prayed for so ya. quite malu. i felt. haha. oh wells.

ahah. i saw jo 3 days in a row. 1st was when passing her present on the train, then met her on watchnight then today. haha. like v long din see her alr. kind of miss her. haha. coz got no one to complain to. haha! ya lo. her head will blow if she sees this man. haha. praise her... ya. then we found out smth v interesting that might happen nx yr. lol! jo's blessings. hhahahaa!!

then l8r hadley and joselyn pressed me to go sentosa with them - lebbillie, belicia, jon wee, xiaohua, edward, jerry, chris, marc, ron, daryl. haha. ended they had to wait for me at harbour front. so sorry guys. haha. i know ur waited v long. then when we reached the beach, we played soccer for like awhile and then it started to drizzle. so we hid under the shelter, hoping that the slight drizzle wld stop. BUT it didn't! it grew to a downpour. and so, we were stranded in the middle of the beach, under an shelter. hahahahaha....so pathetic. and no one dared to run to 7-11 until hadley ran. lol. and the guys were so sissy. lol!! they didn't dare to run under the rain. hahahaha....oh wells... but so sian. went there, talk rubbish, played soccer... lol. ok.

ya. then it kept raining so we had to run back to busstop. was so super wet coz the rain was pouring on us. we only had one foldable umbrella. haha. pathetic.

okays. went back to the sentosa busstop finally and the rain kinda stopped. slight drizzle again. haha. then we decided to walk back to harbour front coz the queue for the bus was super super long. and being impatient and hungry, we walked back. we walked to the bridge and joked that if it were to rain suddenly, we wld hide under the tiny overheadbridge. haha.

true enough, it started to pour suddenly!!!! goodness... jerry, xiao hua, edward and me started to run like mad. hahahahahah!! imagine running along the bridge there all the way back to harbour front. goodness..it was so super far!! to think i cldn't take it for 2.4 but i ran all the way back with only a short pause at the middle shelter. *faints* i think i must be crazy...and i wasn't tired after the run. only super wet infront and surprisingly dry on my back. haha!!

ate pasta at harbour, bakerice. yummy. ahha. today seemed kinda cold and i was freezing all the way to the bus stop. gd thing the bus seat i took was warm coz near the bus engine. ahhahaaha...

but thank God, coz from morning to evening i was sneezing like crazy. then after i ran in the rain, i stopped sneezing. lol! thank God! pray that i won't fall sick 2mr. ahhahahaah...

had fun today tho we paid $3 to do nth but get wet and bathe in the rain. haahahhaha... it was fun running in the rain. i think the best start for 2006. wad a workout! lol!