indifference

very long since i wrote something worthed reading.

it's been quite a week. learnt some stuff, learnt to appreciate people better, learnt to appreciate my existence. nevermind if people are seemingly disappointing especially with skeptical lenses i view them with. life still has to go on. i'm just figuring a way of nullifying these disappointments. sometimes i wonder what does it really mean to feel the joy of serving God.

when everything seems so perfect, every idea make so much sense, i'm still stuck in this state of confusion. i'm supposed to play the part of this perfect little girl, matured in every sense. i'll have the perfect solution for every problem like i always do.

my mom says i'm too nice.

a saviour suffered

was doing qt just now and was reading isaiah 53. Jesus didn't just came to earth to die for our sins. in fact, He suffered 32 years of His life even though His ministry was only for 3 years. He wasn't really recognised and wasn't really appreciated except for the people who were touched by Him. makes me think if my saviour could endure 32 years of suffering just so that He could die on the cross for the sins of all mankind, how much more i should feel encouraged that He has conquered death and won the victory for all my battles, even in the future. a saviour who didn't give up for the sake of convenience but went through all that so that we could draw near to God without dying because of our impurity. the love of God.

love?

has words but cannot say,
has hands but cannot help.
what good is a man, or friend,
who loves but cannot promise?

=)

when mavis said she wasn't going philippines in may because she couldn't take leave, i was quite disappointed. then i felt God asking me how much i really wanted to go. i had wanted to go back to philippines ever since i came back last may but now, the passion just suddenly died out.

then last friday, ps cat asked the few of us whether we wanted to go philippines for mission in may, but it clashed with my last paper and alan's birthday. so hope that she can delay for a few days and then go after their camp.

and today, glaycel came online like after so many months of not talking to her and not getting her emails coz she's too busy and we're both so busy. i suddenly miss talking to her and i suddenly remembered why i wanted to go back there; it was because of the fellowship. it is something different from singapore. the kind of fellowship i had always wanted, that i would never get bored of. and people there are so open (=

i think what added to today was also when i was talking to cherie chua on the way home. i haven't had such a good conversation for a long time. most of the times we get meaningless conversations that u do not really benefit much but maybe just make ur day happier temporarily. today was something different. that i helped someone in her thoughts (= or sometimes just being a listening ear isn't too bad.

but i will go back. will be praying about it also. will be going back for the people. even if none of my friends eventually goes (=

choices

what got me thinking this week was about Jesus choosing the twelve disciples. i wonder what went through His mind when He chose Judas Iscariot. maybe something along the lines of "if i choose him, he would eventually betray me. but i'll choose him nevertheless." maybe Jesus thought He could change Judas Iscariot's life even though He knew the scripture would eventually be fulfilled. but whether it was to fulfil the scripture or not, Jesus still chose him to be His disciple and He probably spent lots of time with the 12 in teaching them God's word and whatever God had spoken to Him. He probably was there 24-7 to listen to their problems and helping them to fix their eyes on God. Jesus probably valued Judas as a person, not somebody who would fulfil the scriptures.

thursday prayer mtg was really good (= i think sometimes when i'm physically or mentally tired, spiritual tiredness also adds onto it. and it's been awhile since i reminded myself that if things aren't right with God, then nothing will be right in my life. and thursday was good in being refreshed by God (=

sometimes when we get so carried away with our lives, we tend to come up with all sorts of ways to solve it; including the spiritual ones. but i guess all we need is to really come to God humbly, acknowledging that we have and know nothing. even in prayer, sometimes, what i really need in praying for ppl is to put aside my agenda and just let the Holy Spirit help me to pray.

if a person truely has a strong relationship with God, he/she can never be lukewarm.

the beginning of a bad dream

or so i thought.

sometimes things happen and it causes us to fall back into reality. the human mind is capable of deceive and sometimes making us think everything around us is pretty. but the sad fact of it all is that none of that is true. no matter how much i would like to believe life is prettier than this, it's just not possible because it isn't true.

i'm not gonna sink into depression.

and then i'm living on a day-by-day basis. running by deadlines, tutorials and readings. just pray that my appeal to transfer would be successful and i can stop being so stressed up even before doing my assignments. i don't even know why i'm so stressed up.

he blew it.

thank God for laureen and annette. i think i just lost all my patience today. i didn't even blew my top. i merely criticised, with no apparent effect. sometimes i don't even know why i'm doing all this, all this while wasting my time to think of a solution and u just blew it like that. great. and ps chng has to share on God giving chances to even the hopeless of all.

and to make things worse, it's friendship sunday today and rena came to church. it was supposed to be a very happy day and i already had everything planned out. but all my plans failed; literally all. none of all that i had expected turned out the way they should. and i was already so disappointed at 8 in the morning and into the day, things just got worse.

annette was telling me to have patience and ps aaron seems to be doing something about it. but i think i'm going to blow soon like if i don't sit him down and rail at him.

i just feel so horrible now; like i've done something terribly wrong. it's just a really bad day.

Doxology

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow,
Praise Him, all creatures here below,
Praise Him, above ye heavenly host,
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

the absence of God

cold is the absence of heat
darkness is the absence of light
evil is the absence of God

ps aaron was spot on. i really love to solve problems. be it mine or not. actually i haven't been sleeping as peacefully as usual. been having lots of arguments in my head before i would eventually sleep. maybe that's why i've been so tired lately, especially with all the tests and stuff. but i think i've finally found my answer, or so i think i have.

it isn't about how gd one's devotional life is, it isn't about how good my sharing is or how wonderful the pastor's altar call is. sometimes it's really just a listening ear or a helping hand; an avenue to pour out one's grievances.

was so tired and mentally drained coz i was arguing with God what i should do. i just wanted to throw out all the nicely-phrased sentences that could destroy anyone's life. actually i alr settled what i wanted to do but i stubbornly insisted God should affirm my decision. and of coz i didn't get a reply until today. and after all the debates and digging it to the very basis of all, it all boils down to love.

i was thinking about everything i knew; about the life of Jesus Christ, His purpose on earth, values, reasons of certain behaviours, what i read about last week in philippians 2 when God gave me the verse. finally after setting aside my agenda, God gave me a solution; the very thing i'd been pushing for since last year. well, if God has given me this burden, He will provide and someone will avail. something i really got to pray about.