I actually thought Ps Chia's preaching was better than usual today. Although I was not listening attentively as usual, a portion of scripture he flashed on the screen spoke to me.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained."
Philippians 3:12-16

Paul actually wrote "forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead". There's so much to forget and so much to strain towards.

I asked myself if I could tahan another year, honestly, I really can't. I don't know if it's temptation or what but I know I'm supposed to stay for 2 years. A year is almost up...

Maybe I'm just being too sensitive or too emotional. Sometimes I try to write it off as my fault because it will make me feel a whole lot better. At other times, I just wish I couldn't feel at all. I was walking to church the other day and asked God how ironic it is that He created us to love, yet most of the time, we end up getting hurt; mostly by people whom we love. The truth really hurts. How I wish I was still living in my small world, believing as long as I'm truthful with my deeds, it doesn't matter what others do or say or think.

I'm going to stop thinking about all these and just do what I ought to do. Doesn't matter if it's gonna be a lonely year. At least I know I can count on God for everything and anything. Life will get better.

Dreads...

I realised that at some point of time in my life, somehow, I've become so tired of doing too many things. I felt the load last year already and have said my piece. Probably I was and am the only one who doesn't have that much energy to do anymore events. Maybe priorities have come into place that I no longer would put church events in priority. Maybe I'm just getting old and need to settle down somewhere, somehow.

No, this is not one of those emo nights. I've been having alot of complaints lately and I just want to end this somehow because complaining alone will get you nowhere and apparently I haven't gotten anywhere. I just don't see the point in doing so many things already. I don't see the real motive behind all that is going on anymore. I'm pretty much disappointed by the way people are behaving. It's all really just a stained-glass masquerade.

Try as I may, I go to church for the sole purpose to worship God. I've given up on people and have stopped giving second chances to others as well as myself. I've gone through things that I don't want to go through again and it's meaningless after the whole affair. In the end, we'll all end up with a working relationship because that's how people treat one another. Why can't we all put aside our differences and be friends like how we are with our classmates? Forgiving and looking past their faults.

I have friends whom I can count on rain or shine but they aren't the ones in church. I have friends who listen to me but they aren't the ones in church. If it's so difficult for even christians to feel comfortable in church, how on earth am I going to bring people to Christ?

Church isn't meant to be like that or so it wasn't what I used to experience. Ultimately, every man's an island. There are times when you are really on your own and no one can help you; only God can and God will, because He loves you so much.