The perfect way

As life gets harder to control and plan, I often look back to my past successes in forming my guiding principles towards my future. By past successes, I mean the times when I would do relatively/surprisingly well for my studies when I spent more time in serving in ministry and not putting studies as first priority. Especially when I entered university, I took a higher importance to my studies for fear of wasting thousands of money and not finishing my studies.

When I realised that spending more time studying wouldn't improve my grades, I followed the 'formula' of the past in trying to spend more time in church, serving in ministry. But God doesn't want us to follow a 'formula'. God really only sees the sincerity and the longing in our hearts. And there was a tinge of selfishness in my heart, no matter how often I said it was God's grace and only God could provide me with the results, I wanted to prove myself right in following the 'formula' that would grant me success. Well God is real and He really knows the desires of our heart.

All this while I've been trying to make the best use of the degree I thought I obtained with my own strength, looking for the ideal job that would do my knowledge justice. All these are honestly just narcissism and it gets so frustrating because God just doesn't want me to get what I want. And today, after hearing the words from my own mouth, I realised that I've been chasing my own dreams and plans, and not putting God into the picture.

It helps, talking to people, listening to yourself through your ears instead of just within your mind. Apparently words sound different from just thinking about them.

I've decided; to follow God's way.