The perfect way

As life gets harder to control and plan, I often look back to my past successes in forming my guiding principles towards my future. By past successes, I mean the times when I would do relatively/surprisingly well for my studies when I spent more time in serving in ministry and not putting studies as first priority. Especially when I entered university, I took a higher importance to my studies for fear of wasting thousands of money and not finishing my studies.

When I realised that spending more time studying wouldn't improve my grades, I followed the 'formula' of the past in trying to spend more time in church, serving in ministry. But God doesn't want us to follow a 'formula'. God really only sees the sincerity and the longing in our hearts. And there was a tinge of selfishness in my heart, no matter how often I said it was God's grace and only God could provide me with the results, I wanted to prove myself right in following the 'formula' that would grant me success. Well God is real and He really knows the desires of our heart.

All this while I've been trying to make the best use of the degree I thought I obtained with my own strength, looking for the ideal job that would do my knowledge justice. All these are honestly just narcissism and it gets so frustrating because God just doesn't want me to get what I want. And today, after hearing the words from my own mouth, I realised that I've been chasing my own dreams and plans, and not putting God into the picture.

It helps, talking to people, listening to yourself through your ears instead of just within your mind. Apparently words sound different from just thinking about them.

I've decided; to follow God's way.

Like Magic

When seasons change, the old magically disappears to welcome the new season in. Like in autumn, the orange leaves disappear by the time you realise snow is setting in. And when spring comes, snow melts away. The seasons in our lives are pretty much the same. When you know that a new season is approaching, or rather, by the time you realise the new season has started, everything of the old will fade away; like magic.

This proved real to me when all of a sudden, the people that used to affect me every Sunday suddenly weren't in any visible contact. The things that used to bother me suddenly ebbed away without me realising. It's true that joy just left me few months back and it's also true that these days, I feel a little bit of joy coming back every day. Healing does take time.

Life is tough. I don't really want to repeat the phrase "life hasn't been good to me these months..." time and time again as though I live a horribly depressing life. But maybe, just maybe, I'm beginning to understand parts of why certain things happen in my life and why God leads me in certain directions.

Today's preaching brought me back to 2007's Youth Camp whereby God said the exact same thing as what the preacher preached today: about sacrificing your Isaac in your life. I should go be a preacher too. Haha! 4 years ago I had many Isaacs. Now, my only Isaac is really this life that I have. My future, my dreams, my cell group, even my friends and family, I do not have ownership over them because I've committed all of them to God.

The preaching today was more than just a reminder about what God said to me 4 years ago, it was a confirmation and a reassurance. Actually I've been doing a lot of thinking during this holiday and boy I'm glad I'd finally sort things through. I actually regret not leaving 2 years ago when God said I had to go. Obedience is truly better than sacrifice and I wouldn't have to face all that mess if I had left 2 years ago. Then again, I would probably not be as 'awoken' as now. Still, I won't know how things would turn out. I didn't have the courage to leave 2 years back anyway.

After 2 years, I finally understood why I had to go and how I wish I had obeyed God then and not wait until I fully rationalise this decision. At least I'm glad now, and at peace with myself and God. I've never felt more certain than this. And even though it's a huge step I have to take, and with all that excitement I'm having for the new season God has for me, I'm not anxious or worried because I know God has a place for me and for us.

The reasons I've been giving were just words that made sense to other people's ears. Now, they finally make sense to my heart and mind. This time, I can say without a doubt why I have to go, and without a sense of bitterness.

Because it's time to move on :)

Trust - Just Keep Going

These days I keep wondering what would have happened if I had left. I knew my time was up long ago but I did not have the courage to go then. Things would definitely be different from now. Better in fact. Anywhere else would be better than this.

Maybe I should have listened when God said time's up. There is no such thing as borrowed time. God's timing is always perfect. And I have been missing out on something good, something better for the past 1.5 years.

It has nothing to do with trust. No one can tell you what you ought to do and stuff like that because no one knows what God's plans for you are. No one, and sometimes, not even you yourself. Trusting in God is so tough because no one can see the path ahead, not even myself. When everything around me is so uncertain, who can I trust but God. When all I see and hear are criticism and murmuring, who can I count on? When words and actions do not match, what say I?

Sometimes being a christian is so impossible because no one around you is living like Christ. Maybe that person exists just that I'm not aware of - like Elijah who didn't know about the seven thousand people in Israel God had reserved, whose knees have not bowed to baal and whose lips have not kissed the feet of the statue.

Maybe it's just like that.

Life Experiences

Jesus spent 30 years of His life preparing for His 3-year ministry. However much I had prepared or if that was even called preparation, will never be enough compared to what Jesus achieved in that 3 years. To think it's my sixth year in ministry. What have I achieved? My achievements can only be seen in the little fruits only in the past few months. Practically I achieved nothing in the first 5 years of ministry. Haha.

Well, God actually spoke hard to me today. Altar call was about wanting more of the Holy Spirit and living a life with that power to basically live a life victoriously for God. I didn't go down, not because I didn't want that anointing or power, but because I am already living with the power to do things already, albeit minimum power. Everyday I know the Holy Spirit is helping me with my homework, with managing time, setting aside time to do chores, go out and spend time with friends. No one knows the really huge amount of stress I face because I'm very bad at managing my time and having to face so much restrictions and money. But everyday I live as if I don't have much stress because of this power to do so much with the little that I have. It's amazing how assignments finish by themselves and I actually do well for projects and homework even though I'm just an average student.

The thing was, why wasn't I sharing this experience with the people I know? Why wasn't I telling people the wonderful things God is doing in my life? I have taken it for granted and I just wanted more miracles and more victory to just feel good that I'm living the 'correct life'. I really took God's grace for granted.

Last year, I embarked on a personal mission to understand what it really means to live that victorious christian life. For months I failed and I actually suffered a setback because I came to a point where Christianity was only so much. Then all of a sudden, God became so real. I began to see little miracles that were happening in my everyday life; the little things that God provides. I began to see how God worked in my life and began to see and understand His grace. I understood what it meant by God doesn't need people to do His work. I understood what grace was that even if you were living in sin, God will still use you to speak to His people because they hunger for His word and because He loves His people. I understood that man can plan the perfect plan but it will fail if God is not in the picture. I understood that as long as man seeks God, he doesn't even need to plan, but just be led by the Spirit.

Finally, I understood that a victorious christian life is not one that is a high-flyer. Every life has its sets of problems and no one's life is a bed or roses. I've done away with the idea that the victorious christian life has no troubles, no obstacles. All these will come, but what makes a christian victorious is the strength, the faith, the joy, the peace, the power that will bring the person through all these circumstances. Even in the valley will I be joyful and praise God like never before. I can face crap but it's the power of God that keeps me going. It's the power of the Holy Spirit that you will still rejoice in the face of death. It's the power of miracles and impossibilities that gives the christian that victorious life.

I know where to go from here.

Only what's done for Christ will last.

God has been faithful. He's answered prayers; albeit not all yet. But I trust He is gracious and all-knowing to let His plans unfold in His time.

Most often, we don't actually see the blessing from God or realise the answer from God when it comes. Most often, we realise after awhile and more often than not, we take it for granted. I will thank God still, because of what He's done and because He has been faithful and gracious. At least, it was a sort of confirmation where I should be heading to.

I have no qualms about the reshuffling and I'm actually at peace with it despite my members being the most worrying of the batch. I have a really good feeling about it and it's an excitement that something good is going to happen when we reshuffle; not that we will lose members or what. Of course, I have to always take into consideration the challenges people will face but I'm pretty sure things will turn out fine, and for the better. It's the exact same feeling I get with the change of the youth pastor. It's a good sign, definitely, because I haven't had such a sentiment for some years now.

Things will change for the better and for the years to come. I'm quite sad about it because I know I probably won't be part of it. But I know God has His plans for me.

We all know God has plans for us, plans to prosper us and give us a hope and future. But what really is that plan that God has? Won't life be so much simpler and easier if we knew what that plan was? We wouldn't have to be scrutinizing through every opportunity that comes our way wouldn't we? We wouldn't have to go through trials and trails or end up at the wrong places wouldn't we? So what is that plan?

That plan is to simply trust and seek Him.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you" Matthew 6:33

Alot of times we, myself included, say "yea we trust God", "God will lead in His timing", but we don't actually trust Him in most things we do. We rather choose our schools ourselves, our courses, our holidays, we even rather put our recreational activities first than ministry. Is that because we don't actually trust God?

It's not that we don't trust God, but it is too hard to trust Him. Reality shows that our society demands so much from us and most of the time we fall under this pressure to perform to its demands. In its essence, we are trapped in this rat-race where everyone just works and performs not knowing why or how or when it will end.

I don't deny we need money to survive, and to have it, we need a job. We need money for so many things including marriage, a house, a car, bills, children... To get this money, we need to do so much more. The list just goes on.

What if we just take a step back and commit every decision in our lives to God, to seek Him and His will so that our lives will be aligned to His plans. It's scary because it means having to commit every decision, big and small, to God and to wait for His approval or decision. It's scary because we wouldn't have 'control' over our decisions. We wouldn't be able to choose the things we like to do unless it was according to God's plans. And it would seem that we are losing out as compared to others, especially our peers.

But I believe that my God is faithful and just. When He promises, He will keep His word. He has been faithful to me and I know He will continue to be. It's something like you will never understand if you have never experienced it before. The only way to experience the supernatural is to trust, to seek Him first in everything you do.

"...and all these things will be added unto you".

Submission

Yet again the same thought came to mind: if I submit myself to God according to His will, won't I be trapped inside a box? Won't I be very restricted in my ways? This time, God drew a picture for me. Even if I may be trapped inside a box, at least I'll be protected in that box. If I follow His plans, even though I may inside that box, at least, I'll be protected and away from dangers that are lurking outside the box. The least, I know, God is protected me no matter what happens.

Like Job, the devil can take away everything. But at the end of the story, God reinstated Job and blessed him with more than he had ever had.

Isaiah 55

Invitation to the Thirsty

 ¹ "Come, all you who are thirsty, 
       come to the waters; 
       and you who have no money, 
       come, buy and eat! 
       Come, buy wine and milk 
       without money and without cost.

 ² Why spend money on what is not bread, 
       and your labor on what does not satisfy? 
       Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, 
       and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

 ³ Give ear and come to me; 
       hear me, that your soul may live. 
       I will make an everlasting covenant with you, 
       my faithful love promised to David.

 ⁴ See, I have made him a witness to the peoples, 
       a leader and commander of the peoples.

 ⁵ Surely you will summon nations you know not, 
       and nations that do not know you will hasten to you, 
       because of the LORD your God, 
       the Holy One of Israel, 
       for he has endowed you with splendor."

 ⁶ Seek the LORD while he may be found; 
       call on him while he is near.

 ⁷ Let the wicked forsake his way 
       and the evil man his thoughts. 
       Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him, 
       and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

 ⁸ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, 
       neither are your ways my ways," 
       declares the LORD.

 ⁹ "As the heavens are higher than the earth, 
       so are my ways higher than your ways 
       and my thoughts than your thoughts.

 ¹⁰ As the rain and the snow 
       come down from heaven, 
       and do not return to it 
       without watering the earth 
       and making it bud and flourish, 
       so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

 ¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth: 
       It will not return to me empty, 
       but will accomplish what I desire 
       and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

 ¹² You will go out in joy 
       and be led forth in peace; 
       the mountains and hills 
       will burst into song before you, 
       and all the trees of the field 
       will clap their hands.

 ¹³ Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, 
       and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. 
       This will be for the LORD's renown, 
       for an everlasting sign, 
       which will not be destroyed."

Everyone of us has potential, whether or not we realise it. Sometimes, even though a person may not seem to be successful or even presentable in the things he/she does, believing in that potential may sometimes change that person. Most of the time we do not realise that potential because no one believes in us even though we may believe in ourselves. When we get discouraged, we can't find strength to pull ourselves through because we don't have anyone to encourage us. It is definitely different when someone praises you for your strength instead of praising you in general.

Every sunday at cell, I make it a point to see the potential my members have. Even though they may seem nonchalant and restless, I try to see that potential in them instead of their outer appearance because I know they have the ability to be successful people. Sometimes there isn't much point in scolding them over trivial matters because all of us makes mistake. I just got to believe that they are matured individuals who will make the decision to be responsible for their own doings. And I guess, that's important. I never think of my cell group of being useless or pathetic even when at times there were only 3 or 4 of us. I never once doubted their ability. All because I know every sunday when they come, they don't just come because they are told to come, because I gave them a choice at the very beginning. I just accept the fact that some of them will take a longer time to sacrifice their sunday for cell group and service.

I'm very happy with my cell group. They aren't the most popular people in church or the most significant individuals but because of that something special in them, I feel they are the best people God has placed under my care. And for the other kids out there, all of them has something special in them. It only takes a few people to recognise that something special.

prayer

the combined worship session last night was awesome. i recall praying until my old injury surfaced. haha. but no biggie. it was awesome because i felt the strength and God being there, not just being there but knowing God was there assured me because He had been walking with me every path i took and will continue to walk with me. that was all i needed to take back from the session.

God reminded me about prayer. i haven't been praying. at least for the past one year =/ sure, i'm always praying short prayers. but i haven't been praying specifically for anyone besides family and alan. this has got to change. haha. not just because it's a 'spiritual' thing that's why i have to do it, but it's more than that, that's almost my reason for living. so ya.

today i had a chat with a rather close friend. i really admire her faith and strength. for once, i actually could mean it when i said i would be there for her. i don't know what made me do it but i guess it was God's divine appointment; to be there at the right time and right place, to say the right words and to do the right thing. that almost never happens to me. haha. well... to see her so matured and strong, i'm glad, and encouraged. i myself would never do that. God really gave her, both of them, the strength and faith to do that. as much as people would always say, God will give u the strength to face whatever ur going through. so that was it ba.

so now, i also need the strength and faith, not to do the same thing, but for many other reason :):):)

testing God

it's a step of faith every sunday when i go to church. i've gotten used to not worrying how many members would turn up that sunday and just accept how things are as it is.

we were talking about testing God in cell today and if really to take that step of boldness would be to test God, i have been testing God my whole life. but sometimes, we need to understand that when we take that step of faith, it isn't really testing God but at times when we do not yield to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, we test God; like jonah. alamak. why didn't i give this example in cell.

sometimes it feels like i have no more faith to believe for greater things, especially now when i'm so tired. but at times, i do have the energy to plan stuff for the cell. i would always remember what wanlin told me about her cell leader, that her cl actually spent time with each and everyone of her member; all 12 of them. i really salute her. i don't have that kind of energy and love at the moment.

but i still want to thank God for giving me words to speak every sunday. i would just rattle off like i memorised the script a million times and just speak things so naturally and fluently. sometimes what i say also speaks to me and convicts me. such times, i know it is not i who speaks but the Holy Spirit working within me.

indeed there's no condemnation in Christ Jesus. encouragement is always better. there will be a time for everything.

tomorrow

I don't know about tomorrow;
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said.
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.

Every step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb;
Every burden's getting lighter,
Every cloud is silver-lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eye;
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky.

I don't know about tomorrow;
It may bring me poverty.
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that is my portion
May be through the flame or flood;
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.

--

about 7 years ago, on a particular sunday, i sang this same song at almost the same place in church with much worries and doubts. i can vividly remember how lost i was thinking i had no future and that was all there is to life. with this song, God gave me a hope that He will be there whatever tomorrow may bring.

7 years later as i reflect upon what God has done in my life, He has indeed turned me from a person without a hope and future to someone who loves Him dearly and has her hopes and futures in His hands. it is indeed by the grace of God that i could stand there this very morning to sing the same song which kept me going all these years.

even tho i have no idea of what's going to happen tomorrow, seeing how graciously God has provided and transformed my life makes me wanna go on further coz i know He has a plan for me. God works in ways we cannot understand. it's so easy to say that my future is in God's hands. but to really believe that the unknown is gonna be great regardless how bad it may look, that's faith.

infallible ambitions

came across this post on anna's blog about a student who wanted to be a musician. i had big dreams too when i was 15. now, 5 years older, ambitions still, but have become more or less something i would put together with unicorns and rainbows.

i wanted to be an architect almost my entire teenage life. i held on to it even to the day i could make the choice to apply for architecture in nus. an ambition is good because it drives you, keeps you thinking about the future; keeps you going. it gives you the motivation to work hard and perseverence to do better even in the things you are lacking. never would i know that this passion would one day be broken by reality.

i never wanted to be a high-achiever because i knew what would entail. i could spend my time doing something more productive than calling members and watching them leave church but i didn't. i asked God last night whether it was worth all the nights thinking about solutions, making time to visit them, calling them and God simply asked me this,"was it worth Jesus dying on the cross 2000 years ago?"

there are things people may deem as a waste of time and energy and there are things that totally seem like a waste of energy and time. Jesus did many things on earth that seemed meaningless and not worth doing but He did it because He knew it was the right thing to do; He did it out of love.

even at times when i'm at a losing end and i still knowingly continue, i would think how dumb can i get. but now i know that even at times when i have to do twice as much no matter how unrecognised it may be, i'll still do it. because God knew it was worth dying on the cross 2000 years ago.

life sucks when you feel there's no future ahead. maybe because i've failed too many times, seen too much, been disappointed too often. it feels good when everything's going nice and smooth. but when nothing's going the way you want to, there's this sudden sense of emptiness and you can't help but say "God, tell me something to thank You for." and God sends millions of things that i can thank Him for.

it's silly times like this that make me realise it's hard to live life. especially when i'm not the one directing my life but God. there are always uncertainties but i just got to do my part and God will do His. it's hard doing my part alone. but God is good. and He provides all the time (=

ups and downs

life just isn't a bed of roses.

it has been a wonderful year. not exactly smooth-sailing but wonderful enough. yet the year has to end with me understanding much more about myself, which actually scares me.

while most people would choose to accept fate, i refuse; i believe i'm worth much more for the very fact that i'm a child of God.

sometimes it's really so difficult to trust in God. what good can come out of this? but really, when i look back, times that i really felt like giving up actually made me stronger even with the little faith i had left. times that i endured even though they made me feel like in the depths of the earth proved that God prevailed. i really hope God will prevail again this time because it's really impossible to rely on my own.

so near.

was just reading matthew 14:22-36; the story of peter walking on water.

everyone who has attended sunday school or attends church would have read/heard of the story of peter walking on water. edwj also mentioned about this story like few months back. today's reading just reiterated one point to me:

when peter lost his balance when he saw the wind, Jesus was like very near him, near enough for peter to see and hear Him. yet he fell because he just didn't believe that even though Jesus was so near him, Jesus wasn't able to do anything for him. maybe what was going on in peter's mind was 'wow! i can walk on water! i have to balance well lest i fall!'

sometimes, i myself am like that. God gives me faith to believe, things are starting to look gd, i lose focus of God and think that i'm doing this on my own.

sometimes i just need to remind myself that God gave me my beginning. i didn't start on my own but God gave me faith to believe in Him, that my beginning would be possible. and when God starts something, He will finish it.

moreover, the wind didn't even reach peter. peter just saw the wind.

faith diminishes especially when circumstances are so overwhelming. and it just gets worse when discouragement sets in.

mountains will move.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."
Daniel 3:16-18

this was one of the scripture references in edwj for one of the days this week. whenever i feel like i'm in the shoes of the 3 hebrew kids, eg: i know that God is mighty and He can do miracles but i don't know if He will perform a miracle for my situation, i always feel that when i pray 'God i know You can do this, but give me strength if things don't go well', it means i don't have enough faith.

instead of giving me the same impression when i read the 3 verses, i felt faith rise when i read verse 18 'But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.'

sometimes when we pray so hard for something to happen and it doesn't, God has a reason, but we must not let it deter our faith because God is still the same yesterday, today and forever. He is still the God of miracles even if the mountains don't move today; they will move one day.