me.

it's been a long week; stressful and draining.

i realised i haven't been praying much these few days. it's something so important that i wonder why i could have forgotten to pray when all along i couldn't go thru a day without praying. maybe i've been so tired that fatigue just overcomes me. and i've been feeling so tired everyday.

sometimes i know why i'm drained. it's because i'm always trying to think of ways to help others; to help the cell, help my friends. so much so that it adds to my own problems. and most of the time, i neglect myself. with so much piling up, it just gets worse because i don't know where to start. if i were to pen down what i'd have to do, it wouldn't be alot, just need time to sit down and think. but before i can even do that, i need to rest.

i was reminded of what annette told me last year. "think for yourself. what do u really want?" i blanked momentarily because i never actually thought of what i really wanted. i always thought what i wanted wasn't important therefore i had never have standards. i would be satisfied if i could just live life. that was the first time, i actually thought of what i wanted.

i also remember a sentence i told laureen, "this is like the first time i think i know what i'm doing." i'm not a visionary, i can't plan well. i always have problems with planning for the future kind of stuff. even now, i'm trying hard to plan for my cell but somehow it isn't even properly planned. but somehow, i just sense that God is teaching me to plan. i never thought about 2mr, or the week after. but now, i'm starting to think what i'm gonna do for this year, for the year after.

it's hard because i'm stepping into no-man's land with nothing but God. i realised that 'God will not put anything in ur life that u can't handle' as unrealistic. in fact, God always puts things in our lives that we can't handle alone. He puts things in our life that we can handle with His strength, only if we ask Him to give us faith to believe.

it won't be easy. i've got many stressful months to go thru before i start uni. but i guess, there's a season for everything. and it's my season now to go forth in faith. to believe in what God has called me for.

do i?

do i believe in the God of miracles?

do i believe in the peace that transcends all understanding?

do i believe in the promises God has given?

do i believe in the prayers He has answered?

do i believe in the loving touch from heaven?

do i believe in the voice of truth?

haha. these are all the qns i always ask myself whenever i feel short of faith and they never fail to make me realise what an awesome God i have (=

am i?

am i strong if i stand for my own beliefs?

am i weak if i fear?

am i bold if i step out alone?

am i cowardice if i choose to keep quiet?

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

wad's my purpose?

thank God

wanna thank God for something small.

i was really really mad when i received the msg that i wouldn't be able to get my testimonials this week. i wasn't really expecting a 'yes i'll be able to give u the testimonials' when i first called my teacher last week, but since he said it shouldn't be a problem and even confirmed that he'll be able to give me my testimonials by this week, i was kind of happy that at least i had smth extra to submit for the scholarship, since IDA extended its deadline to 30march.

there was this strange feeling when i called him that prompted me not to hope too much about it and there was a tugging that said 'don't call'. i ignored and called. yes. and somehow i could sense in his tone that i wasn't gonna get my testimonials anyhow he said he 'will try'.

it was very disappointing, because i hoped too much. the msg came to me in a way it kind of meant he didn't even prepare my testimonials for signing in the first place. and he was my CT. ha. i didn't expect my teachers to have high expectations of me or even a good impression because i was always so slack in school. but still, there were teachers who believed in me and it really stood out from the biasness other teachers always played. while everyone says the same thing, what differs is whether they really mean it.

but i was very angry. i alr planned to do alot of things when i came home but i just didn't have the interest and mindset to do. i was angry, frustrated and just plain sian diao. i binge ate, lazed around and just stoned. wanted to play winning e and into the night and really just burn myself out. but after dinner, the only thing i could think of was to play the guitar and God just was so real there and then. He just gave me strength and the peace to carry on with what i had to do for the night.

if i hadn't spend time to worship God, i'll prolly still be fuming mad with a whole list of things undone. (=

still sometimes, i wonder whether i'm really doing the right thing. coz it seems, no one is holding my back.

worship

it's amazing to experience the fullness of joy in worship every sunday. it's amazing to experience how the scripture describes: "in Your presence there is fullness of joy"

daniel was saying how real the psalmists were in the past that they dare to declare their honesty and doubts about God even though it was almost a taboo then. how amazing God leads His people to pen the scriptures. how amazing that God could foresee how things would be thousands years from then to guide His people even at this present age.

i can only say 'thank You, Lord'

rain

it was a long trip from harbour to central (=

the rain was pouring and i guess it rained pretty loudly. i couldn't really hear the noise coz my mp3 was plugged in. in the past, the rain always brought negativity along. it always felt kind of sad when it rains. today, it just felt very different. i felt glad, very glad. haha.

suddenly, things are beginning to look brighter. suddenly, my eyes aren't focused on the little obstacles in front of me but on the big path ahead. suddenly, life really seems genuinely happier. it isn't superficial.

to have someone to hold on to, to listen, to be there for me always. to guide, to protect, to cheer me up, it's more than i prayed for. i'm blessed and i know it. and for everything that God gives, i've to be a good steward because God gives, and God can take it away. it's more than just having fun, it's knowing what's best. haha. it's gonna be a long wait. but it'll be worthed it.

it was a happy day today because i received many praises. haha. i used to have ppl praising me last time but i would always reject them by saying 'nah, it's nothing' or 'no la, i'm not that nice'. but after one sermon a pastor preached, i begin to realise i need to receive praises. haha. it's a privilege to have ppl praising me and i needed to receive them with grace and with humility and not just reject them by not acknowledging their praises.

i was very encouraged because i've been feeling quite disappointed lately. have been feeling as though i keep doing the wrong things. really thank God for doing the right things at the right times, as always. hahahaha... =D

when's too much too much?

i've been receiving really weird smses lately. not from weird people but just really weird smses.

motives can be easily seen. really. sometimes i get disappointed. sometimes, it's kinda expected. and when ppl actually don't prove me wrong, i get upset and think y do i even bother to reply sometimes.

care and concern is more than just asking the superficial. it's more than catching up. i've always taken this stand not to say too much about my own life because sometimes, it's just pointless. it won't benefit someone, nor will it benefit myself. or worse, it may even end up in a misunderstanding.

i've stopped reasoning to myself. i've stopped explaining myself. as long as i know what i'm doing and it is in accordance to what i'm supposed to do for God, i know my conscience is clear.

amazing.

it's not what u do 2 weeks after the conference that matters but what u do 1 month after the conference that means the most.

dreams.

jeanne mayo shared about dreams last night.

i felt it was really awesome, as if God was speaking directly to me. she shared about hagar and i just feel that the story identifies with me. sometimes i'm just so lost that all i know is to hold on to my dream, just a little spark.

last night's worship was very different from the norm. it was a little harder to worship because of the music and it wasn't what we were used to have during worship service. it just taught me one thing - we have been too comfortable with praise and worship that we're unable to worship God vibrantly when the worship environment changes. before i went for the night concert, i decided in my heart that i'm not gg to be loud in my worship; i'm just gonna try to worship God with all my heart and soul, to set my heart right before i even begin to lift my hands. never did i realise that the music was gonna be so different. haha. but it was cool. the reason why i felt the sharing was awesome because God was already talking to me about my dreams during worship (=

i've always felt that before you can even be nice and caring to the ppl outside of church, there needs to be healing in church; the healing of hearts. alot of ppl in church are actually broken inside. there are many ppl who're struggling with issues and problems in their lives which others do not seem to be able to see their hurts.

i wouldn't call people who reach out to ppl outside church and do not do so for those in church as hypocrites for i understand that "there are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men." (1 cor 12:6) and ppl have different parts to play in the christian body. i'm supposed to do what i'm called to do and i shouldn't be comparing with others.

aha. and i haven't talked about my dream. well...

and prolly, i've found my ministry. just that it hasn't existed yet. ahaha...

typical.

a typical day on sunday at church:

10am (at canaan) - catch up a lil on ppl whom i talk to once a month or so
10.30am (photocopy machine) - photocopying the song sheets for praise and worship session
10.45am (B6) - ice breaker (dai dee/idiot) begins
11.15am (B6) - praise and worship begins
11.40am (B6) - peter shares his testimony. hahahaha...
12.15pm (B6) - cell group ends
12.30pm (Hawker centre) - lunch!
1pm (Hawker centre) - rush for cet
1.15pm (canaan) - cet starts
2.15pm (canaan) - cet ends
2.20pm (audi) - prepare usher stuff if i'm on duty
2.30pm (audi) - pre-service prayer
2.45pm (audi) - youth service starts
4.30pm (audi) - youth service ends
4.40pm (audi) - zone gathering
4.50pm (audi) - cell gathering
5pm (audi) - catch up somemore
5.30pm (foyer) - head for mrt
cell leader responsibilities doesn't end here.

i'm burnt out almost every sunday and i don't want that to always happen. i've got to get some rest. haha.

amazing.

amazing how God works.

i was just looking back at some of the things God has done, the grace He keeps giving me and His amazing protection and love upon my life. sometimes, we have to look back on our lives and see how God plans our paths and see how His wonderful plans unfold.

most of the time, God answers prayers in times i least expect. most of the time i don't even realise God fulfills His promises until weeks after i ponder over it. most of the time, God is silent when He answers my prayers. haha. but God is awesome. we've been so caught up with life and responsibilities, priorites, all these big jargons that we have deemed fit to overrule our lives, we hardly think about the greatness of God when we're stressed and burdened. like who in the right mind would be thinking about God's greatness when we're stressed right? but that's exactly what i realise i've got to do. to think about God's greatness and trust He can carry me through my burdens and responsibilites and believe that nothing is impossible for my Boss. haha. yea. so that's wad i'm gonna do the next time. haha.

majesty

the song 'majesty' kept playing in my head this morning while i was working. haha. and i kept imagining myself in ignite conference. haha! but it was so cool. i could feel my own excitement even at my office. haha. if only that excitement could last a little longer.

oh. but jake told me they didn't sing majesty. so. hahahaha...

i miss conferences. i miss chionging day and night to attend the seminars and talks and staying till late for the night services even though we were so tired because God's presense was so amazing. haha. yea. i'm getting excited for synergize. haha! =D

make complete.

awesome. haha. i can only say that God is awesome.

this feeling hasn't stopped bugging me since secondary school. ever since i strained my muscle, i never seemed to be as healthy as before. and it seems that i grow weaker every year instead. i'm falling sick more and more often each year and there're just instances that i feel i won't live very long. hahahhaa...

maybe i'm paranoid. maybe i'm too afraid or something. but everytime i fall sick, i get discouraged because being weak means i can't do much, i can't go my max and sometimes i just feel so tired that i can't go church anymore because of the travelling distance.

sometimes i wonder whether will i live for long. sometimes i wonder when i'm really gonna die. hahahaha... it isn't healthy to think about such stuff but ya, the thought still comes back once in a while. today i felt exceptionally discouraged coz today was the first time i felt that i couldn't sing much. i just didn't have the strength and energy to sing and worship God, to even utter the lyrics. and i felt so desperate coz all i wanted to do was to just worship God but i couldn't.

but God is great. He reminded me again that while my work on earth is not done, my life won't end so soon. hahahaha... i really sound like i'm gg to die. but nvm. hahahaa... sometimes i fear like when will i not have enough energy to breathe anymore. but yea. i will not die like that unless my work here is complete and furthermore, God's plan for me is not thru yet.

it's just one of the days that i think about my health. other times, i just have to say that i'm living on God's grace. everyday, every moment, i'm living on grace. i will not know what will happen 2mr but everyday i thank God for moments that i can speak to Him.

but i trust God. i trust that God has a reason for this to happen. just like everything else that happens. i can't change wad happened in my life but i can help someone going through the same situation. there's so much i can do for myself but if it makes a difference in another person's life, why not. at that time, i wished there was someone who could tell me what to do, but there wasn't any. now, i'm not denying people a chance to have someone to guide them. i realise the importance because i don't want them to learn the hard way as i did.

when i'm weak, You make me strong. when i'm down, You lift me up. when i'm broken, You make me whole.

history.

was just thinking about the past for a moment. it isn't glamourous or wonderful. there are things that i've left behind and regretted but as i recall the many things that happen, i'll never understand the purpose behind those, but i believe God has a purpose. He always does.

and God has been faithful. He's always there guiding me through every step. when i'm distracted, He never is. His plan is to build me up and He's never distracted. He's there when i need Him, He's there when i don't feel i need Him.

sometimes, i feel God is smiling at me silently, quietly planning His every move. He's just there watching over me. i feel the peace (=

slowly, i see my past unfolding. i can only be there to help and guide with the knowledge i have. surely, God has a purpose for everything that happens. i would never understand what purpose would God have then but now i know. and God is just so amazing; giving me the courage and wisdom to help.

it's been 3 months so far. 3 very sweet months. i'll never understand the peace that God gives and the patience to wait. i'll never understand the little things that God places in between to guide us and grow us. i'll never understand the wisdom that God gives to mature us. i can only say how much i love God because He never fails. God is great. and i should be taking time everyday to think about His love.

how could i forget His love?

there's a reason for everything that happens.

good or bad, there's a reason for everything that happens.

i asked God today y ppl get good results that they don't deserve and others don't get the results they worked hard for. it has always been in my mind for years. i never did understand y God didn't give ppl results they worked hard for because it was never fair of me to receive good results from God for each major exam. i understood it was God's grace. today i finally understood why God gives ppl results they will be disappointed with.

God gave me a real-life example. he showed me someone who worked really hard for exams but didn't get the results that she deserved. He showed me how she appealed for courses but couldn't get in and ended up in a course that wasn't of her nature and wasn't of her interest. but ultimately, God revealed her passion through that course.

to me, results isn't everything. i was prepared for the worst but God was gracious. He answered both my prayers. mom kept saying i didn't have confidence. of coz i didn't. haha. my life was in a mess and studies was the first thing i gave up during those 2 years in jc. the same happened during my o's and i rmbed i struggled thru my exams. God blessed me with good results too.

i'll never understand why my results are as such. i'll never understand God's grace. but i'll understand that God is leading me to where He wants me to be in life. i just got to honour my promise and trust in Him that things will be alright, as long as God is right in my life. =D

complete.

God put sicknesses, infirmitives into our lives for a reason - to make us remember Him. not in anger or sorrow but in faith to believe that even with our faults, God is able to make us whole. God didn't put faults in our lives to make us live more miserably or shorten our lives on earth. He gave us faults to make us remember that we are imperfect and that we always need Him.