infallible ambitions

came across this post on anna's blog about a student who wanted to be a musician. i had big dreams too when i was 15. now, 5 years older, ambitions still, but have become more or less something i would put together with unicorns and rainbows.

i wanted to be an architect almost my entire teenage life. i held on to it even to the day i could make the choice to apply for architecture in nus. an ambition is good because it drives you, keeps you thinking about the future; keeps you going. it gives you the motivation to work hard and perseverence to do better even in the things you are lacking. never would i know that this passion would one day be broken by reality.

i never wanted to be a high-achiever because i knew what would entail. i could spend my time doing something more productive than calling members and watching them leave church but i didn't. i asked God last night whether it was worth all the nights thinking about solutions, making time to visit them, calling them and God simply asked me this,"was it worth Jesus dying on the cross 2000 years ago?"

there are things people may deem as a waste of time and energy and there are things that totally seem like a waste of energy and time. Jesus did many things on earth that seemed meaningless and not worth doing but He did it because He knew it was the right thing to do; He did it out of love.

even at times when i'm at a losing end and i still knowingly continue, i would think how dumb can i get. but now i know that even at times when i have to do twice as much no matter how unrecognised it may be, i'll still do it. because God knew it was worth dying on the cross 2000 years ago.

life sucks when you feel there's no future ahead. maybe because i've failed too many times, seen too much, been disappointed too often. it feels good when everything's going nice and smooth. but when nothing's going the way you want to, there's this sudden sense of emptiness and you can't help but say "God, tell me something to thank You for." and God sends millions of things that i can thank Him for.

it's silly times like this that make me realise it's hard to live life. especially when i'm not the one directing my life but God. there are always uncertainties but i just got to do my part and God will do His. it's hard doing my part alone. but God is good. and He provides all the time (=