sometimes i don't even realise what i've done

rainy nights are emo nights. haha. oh wells.

i've actually come to a point in my life where i don't really want any changes. honestly, this shouldn't be coming from me because i used to be very accepting. maybe i'm just tired. not tired of studying or running errands or ministry or what. but tired of caring.

i've come to realise that many times now, my actions can't keep up with my words anymore. that's because God has been speaking through me many times, giving me the words to say. before, i would only say things that are what i believe in and what i have been practising in my life, so goes the saying 'walk the talk', if i don't mean it, why should i say it? and if i mean it, why don't i practise it? now, things have changed. i'm no longer able to say things that i practise because they are way beyond me. of course if i go through the whole thought process and things like that, i should be doing what God says. i admit it's not an overnight event nor will it be a sudden change in my life. i ascribe that to a normal, life-changing process in tangent to my learning curve in life. but sometimes, it moves so slowly that i feel my actions can't keep up with my thoughts.

unconsciously, i've constructed this equilibrium of activities, namely: family, alan, friends, ministry and studies, where if i were to upset my schedule a little, it would affect everything else. most of the time, my friends and studies are always hanging at the edge of the cliff.

sometimes, it makes me really sad that i can't put alan in priority as much as he makes me priority. sometimes, it's really beyond my means. sometimes, it's really not to upset my equilibrium. but in all things, relationships or life, we have to make sacrifices. sometimes i wish i never had to set up this equilibrium, that i wasn't to make everyone else happy. if i ever wanted to give a reason for stress everyday, it would be the stress to make everyone happy. it's not really to please everybody but so that i wouldn't have more stress to settle every disagreement.

sometimes, it's really tiring to give. yet at the same time i don't really count it as a loss. after so many years of giving, i'm yet amazed that till now, i'm still able to give. and it shows the infinite love, God pours out, to His people. i'm tired of giving for just a few years, yet God has been pouring His love since He created the heavens and the earth. that's infinity.