It's cool when you are on a high note with God. It sucks, terribly, when you know your life is just going downhill.

Things are seemingly getting better. I have a whole bunch of people ready for me to pour out my grievances to. Even though I know I can just overlook all these nonsense and settle for the prettier things in life, I know darkness will always be there and ready to haunt me. It isn't a matter of ignoring things anymore. I really need to get over this and put an end to it because I know the next time it comes, I'll probably really just allow myself to be run over by a car.

My mind can only contain so much and I can't seem to stop it from thinking things deeper. I really wish I was simple minded like the rest of the people because I can't seem to stop myself from inferring into things and reading in between the lines anymore. Sigh. So much for having an analytical mind. No wonder mathematicians get depressed and die early.

I thank God for Alan, for going through this emotional roller-coaster ride with me non-stop for the past week, for giving me the emotional strength I needed so much.

Actually, at the bottom of this whole mess, it boils down to me not forgiving myself. Not forgiving myself for the things I said/did, and not forgiving myself for the things I didn't say/do. I'm the only cause for the state I'm in because I chose how I wanted things to be. I really got no one else to blame but myself. Last night, I went through the whole list of things I said and things I had done for just this week only. I said somethings I shouldn't have said. I phrased somethings wrongly and I basically messed everything up because I couldn't contain my cool. From a point of view, this may not seem serious but from my point of view, it was because I could have ruined another friendship. And it leads to this whole trust issue again. I told myself I would trust no one again. Because of how I was brought up, because of the things that happened when I was growing up, I couldn't never trust another person anymore. Trusting another person would only lead to more hurts and more betrayal.

All I really wanted to do was just to protect myself from being hurt again. Why is it I'm the only one trying to understand things here?