pray

it's been about 2 months since i last touched edwj.
it's been a long time since i sat down to pray.

sometimes i ask myself "what's going on"
yet to find that i know not what to answer.

i can be super hyped on sundays
but lost on other days.

i'm losing it.


well, i was reflecting big time. my teachers have the confidence in me to get good grades. they know i can do it, but i haven't been doing my part as a student; i haven't been studying. i've been too busy being bothered by my own problems that i'm just totally lost. if it were moodswings, i must be having a hell lot of them.

it's not just the way i feel during praise and worship that i just don't feel like worshipping.
it's not just the way i feel when i think about how much wrong i'd done.
it's not just the way i feel when i recall when God told me last year i'd be walking this path now.
it's not just the way i feel when God actually speaks to me now.

i'm just totally lost. i wonder why i'm feeling this way. is this some kind of mid-christian-life crisis?

but i can't stay in this position forever. my new members need me. my ex-members still need me. my friends need me. i can't afford to just lose it now. it's this thing about prayer that stops me from falling. prayer has always been my lifeline - i have to pray, especially when God puts this person in my mind and i have to pray for him/her.

and i regret being lost the past 2 months - i'd stopped praying. i'd stopped praying for ppl whom i used to pray for, able to intercede for them. with so many problems i didn't know how i was able to pray for others when poor me here is struggling.

well, God taught me during the last prayer meeting. He taught me to pray for others even though when clearly i wasn't in the right form. yet i hate it when that happens. it makes me feel more guilty that i don't deserve God's grace. and i fall further.

grace.