i'm living.

thank God for holding the rain for me to go to school today (= it was a plesant morning knowing that God, You've held the rain for me to go school safely and dry.

thank God for giving me health to sustain throughout the day. thank God for cancelling pe to allow my heart to rest for the day. it's still thudding though.

somehow, today was better (= i miss my old self. i wish i still had that strength to go through difficult times and the faith to believe that God is still real. sometimes i wonder whehter it's a test that God has placed in my life, or is it something that i've done wrong and paying for the consequences.

sometimes i wonder what's going on in my life too. life has been so tiring that i don't know how to relax and enjoy life without any worries. though i may joke and laugh about everything, life isn't as happy as i may seem.

i really hope i could give u an answer. i owe too many apologies and too many reasons. i wish i had the answer. this is just another rough part of life that i've got to go through. sometimes i give up too easily and stop trying, not even an inch to discover whether it'll be worth the try. i resign too soon.

i know. maybe it wasn't a big matter after all. maybe things weren't as what i had perceived it to be. maybe it'll be good i take a break from everything. while studies are acting pressure on an area of me, everything else is crashing on me.

i had seen this coming but i took no notice when it came upon me. i will not backslide, for as long as this continues. i will stay till my last breath if i must that i'll hold on to God.

sometimes i think about transfering church. maybe an attempt to escape from the hurts people in church has given me. it's easy to forgive. but it's hard to forget and heal the hurt over the years. i'm just so tired of facing people; happy people in church. i'm tired of being my usual loud self. most of the time i just want to hide in one corner and just talk to God.

if only i knew what's going on. maybe the email never reached you.