lies

i think i've told alot of lies.

i can rmb the first time i lied. i told my friend about an event that never happened in my life, and i felt bad, i felt guilty, though it was only a trivial matter. after which i told a few more lies and decided that i should stop lying.

well, i realised that even though i told nothing but the truth, i hurt many people with the bare truth, even though. when i actually told ppl the truth, people actually reacted to it and soon left.

that's why i've never told anyone anything since. not that i wanted to bottle everything up but i didn't feel the need to say everything out because everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.

it's cost me alot of time and energy, alot of play of emotions and feelings, not to mention a damage in my spiritual life. just by not being truthful. mebbe if i'd said "i wasn't ok" and why, things would have turned out better instead of worse when i gave just a superficial reason.

right now, i need more time to know whether it is really God speaking or me telling myself what to do again.

really, what happened? i do not know.