fruitfulness

reading past blog entries just makes my heart sink. if i were to continue reading it, i'll probably tear and start to cry. i'm touched not because of hard times but touched because of the things God would speak to me. like what my uncle said during the mentoring session today, we're just like filthy rags and i'm a nobody. who am i that God would speak to me and reveal truths about His word?

like every other year, i would pray and ask God what would be the theme of that particular year. i had this habit from like 2005 when i 'jokingly' asked God for a theme. i won't like fast and pray or spend like 5 hours in prayer. i'll just ask God whenever i'm not occupied and just ponder on His word and what He has been speaking to me. and like every other year, God gave a word.

surprisingly, every year, i would be so fearful of blogging it or writing it down because i would think to myself 'what if this isn't from God?'. and even though every year, that theme has come to past, i wouldn't have enough faith to believe. there are times when God treats us as little kids and just continue to answer our prayers and entertain our challeneges or confirmations but there will also come a time when God will expect us to mature from that and start trusting in Him like mature adults.

"Fruitfulness". and like every year, i wouldn't know why God would have such a theme. haha. it's a very different thing when someone prays for u and tells u that this is the area God will be working in ur life compared to ur whole being feeling and knowing this is what God is going to do.

i'm tired. or rather, i've been tired. if no one noticed, i've been rather quiet this year and not involved in the planning of any events. the only one was youth anni when i was volunteered to be tribe leader. i'm not in any planning committees for the new church vision and neither am i involved in anything else besides my cell group. i would say i'm thankful because i would then have time to study and get adjusted to studying. and i thank God because now i know how to study and more or less to manage my time.

y am i hidding in the shadows? haha. for alot of reasons. firstly for my family and alan; i had to make time for them. next i had to step back and really understand what i was doing. then there were issues that i didn't want to get involved in. i chose the backseat. and God rewarded me because i got my focus right. ministry isn't about knowing the juicy news and the inside stories. everyone wants to hear news. everyone wants to know what's going on. but i just don't. i've come to realise that all these 'knowing more' does nothing but hurt. it's alright to know what's going on but at the end of the day, it doesn't make u a better person so in what way is it beneficial?

one thing God taught me and i'm really thankful for is that He taught me what the most important thing in life is and that was what i had to teach my members and that is our personal relationship with God. like how a pastor puts it: "love God and u can do anything". if our relationship with God is good, we can definitely do anything. it beats dealing with issues people are facing. the reason why we have issues in life is because part of our relationship with God needs to be moulded and sharpened. i personally believe that our outward expressions come forth from our spiritual life. if our spiritual life is good, everything else will be good. that beats having to 'stalk' or 'spy' on members and correcting their ways. i never believe in correcting people just because their ways aren't pleasing to my sight. i'll always let God deal with them because it isn't up to me to judge.

having said so much, i feel God is calling me to get back on track in ministry. honestly, i'm reluctant also. now that i'm slacking so much, i don't feel like working that hard. but there's a time for everything and a season doesn't wait. at least for now, time is limited and i've to make full use of my time. it'll be great, it'll be good. i just hope, it'll last.

2 years back when annette asked how long do i think i would stay in youth, i nv really thought that day would come when i have to leave. in fact, it never crossed my mind that i would leave youth one day. but soon after God gave me the word 'fruitfulness', He also gave me a time span and it was reasonable. i couldn't comprehend why that time frame but now i understand. God is a relevant God and He is practical sometimes too.

all i got to do is trust and pray :)