Pride and Judgment

I used to think my main flaw in life was being too judgmental. Turns out I'm wrong - it's pride. Well, pride in a different form.

I take a lot of pride in my work. Even though I don't spend as much time on my work as other people do, I put in my utmost effort. When coding, I make sure it's flawless; at least for my standard, and make sure every case is accounted for. In short, I make sure I put in my very best in everything I do. Have always been, will always be.

It's easy when it comes to work. There are only few factors to consider: time, energy, health. But when it comes to people, it's a hell lot of difference. What do I do when people don't appreciate the effort I put in? What do I do when I don't do what my members expect me of? What do I do when I compromise what I have to do with my principles? I never compromise principles that's for sure. And it's deeper than that. I've been feeling frustrated because of a lot of things that I can't come to terms with. And it has been such that everytime I ignore it, the same problem keeps coming back and the entire emo cycle restarts. Apparently God doesn't want me to just sweep it under the carpet. I think He really wants me to come to terms with it.

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Matthew 7:1-2

I remembered this verse since the first time I ever read it because it was deeply etched into my heart. I've been brought up in a very judgmental family and I've been hearing my parents pass judgment onto other people, even family members from a very young age, and that really played a huge part in making who I am today.

But as Matthew puts, "for the same measure you use, it will be measured to you". Thus, what I did was to stay as righteous as possible and pass judgment onto others just because I could get away with it; I'll not be judged for passing that judgment.

But in recent years, regardless of how I've kept Christian principles, believed and lived them, people never fail to disappoint me; regardless of leaders or members or even respected authority. This verse keeps coming back to me because I'd pass judgment on their lives for what I've been keeping right all my life. They being in the wrong meant I didn't have to respect them and didn't have to acknowledge their presence in a sense.

But I realised I didn't judge everyone the same way. There were people who could get away from my judgment - my family, my boyfriend, my non-church friends. More than often, members were the problem. And it's not because I would judge them for who they are but really because they were 'products' of my work and if they didn't turn out to standard, they would be judged. It was really a pride that I refused to acknowledge I had no ownership over their lives. I am only here to guide. And I realised that the year I acknowledged that I had no ownership over my members, I didn't have to worry much what would happen next as God honoured it.

It isn't fair of me not to give my members quality food just because they don't appreciate it because that's my responsibility. All I really have to do is to put in the effort and God will do the rest because I don't own their lives. I'm merely someone to guide them during this period of time; this year.

I am coming to terms with it because in the end, I don't control anybody; just like I don't control my sister or my boyfriend. They have their lives to live and I don't judge them for what they do. Just because my members are representations of me doesn't make them mine. They are free to do what they like, what they deem fit.

Similarly, leaders can do what they want because ultimately they are answerable to God themselves. No one is perfect and will ever be until the day we die and rise up to heaven with Jesus. I shouldn't be too upset about this because God still loves them. Who am I to judge?

Wow, I feel a lot better after writing this post :)