God is great.

i'll borrow laureen's nick for awhile.

well. i didn't mean to make my blog sound depressing to dampen everyone's mood whoever the audience were. i felt i needed a place to just type everything down.

i too adore prayer meetings. they are times when God just speaks to me like that and i feel so much refreshed as compared to a sunday service. prayer mtgs are times when u can get so close to God.

after writing the letter to lau, i realised i just couldn't write everything down. there were just too much to be explained. like so much of a mess i've made.

it has been a lonely and discouraging, much depressing too, journey. not the first time i was depressed anyway. i never knew how lonely one could get - when u just don't want ur friends to be affected by ur problems and people whom u trusted so much misunderstand and accuse u of things u hadn't done, people whom u treated as friend gave u the look that spells "i don't treat u as a friend"

that's why i chose to give up. there was just no point in living life anymore especially being a christian - people give up on u, u give up on urself. of coz i remembered God never did give up on me. that's why i was on the verge of backsliding, though i didn't, finally.

lonliness is not something anyone would want to have a taste of. it's just bad when u try to put on a smile and a happy front in front of ur friends and u just happened to make a tiny mistake which soured the friendship. it sucks especially when u are always blamed for something u didn't do especially by close friends who were supposed to understand u better.

sometimes i wonder whether it's worth having so many friends.

then God reminded me during prayer meeting that Jesus was too persecuted. Jesus was a man of righteousness. He was blameless and pure. He was sinless. yet, He was persecuted for the things He didn't commit. and He died on the cross to bear our transgressions. what could be worse than that?

even i'm sinful. i feel wronged when ppl accuse me. Jesus was sinless, yet He forgave and kept His cool, which is something i have trouble with. it's easy to forgive, but not when hurts accumulate.

the worst of coz is when the one u loved most and loved u most doesn't trust u.

i've never told anyone major things that happen in my life. it's pointless. while friends are expected to share weal and joy together, there's always a limit one can bear another's burden. so i chose silence.

thank God for speaking to me (= He's so awesome.