on negativity

people always ask why i'm always so negative and i never offer a good and happy solution to a problem. i attribute it to a build-up from young. maybe i've been disappointed too many times and no one can really empathise how much disappointments i've faced through this 21 years of my life. so much so that i accept and expect every thing bad to happen, be it a cancelled holiday trip or no celebration of birthday or something or even a sudden illness that may lead to death. every trip i make overseas, i would always fear that there would be a cancellation of flight. everytime there is a celebration of some sort, i would fear something bad would happen. everytime my results are out, i would fear a failure or worse still expulsion from school. everytime things are doing great, i would fear someting bad would happen. it's extreme anxiety but not overrated.

most of the time, one would think it impossible for anything bad to happen during a celebration or a birthday party or even during cny reunion dinner. i've been through not only once or twice but many times of unhappy and hostile moments during such occassions and nothing ever makes me the least joyful anymore. i would say i haven't felt joy (besides the joy God gives) until 2 years ago when alan came into my life. that was significant because i knew something was different and for the very first time after a long haul of just being happy on the surface, i felt something more than happiness; blissfulness.

i've gotten used to being disappointed and i can say that 75% of the time, church events & committments are the cause of conflicts at home, among my friends, with cca or school and now it's dear's turn. it's alright when church takes up my me-time because i've long gotten used to it and sometimes friends and family complain i'm spending too much time in church and they are not getting any of me.

it did cross my mind on why people feel it's unfair to me when i don't think i am treated unfair. it did cross my mind on why others are affected when it just affects me alone. while i can afford to be disappointed, others shouldn't because they don't deserve it. it's the result of my choice. while i choose to do it at the expense of my own time, i actually forsake someone else's time too.

i don't have a solution for this. at least i feel better now. haha. while the party is still scheduled to go on and i don't really have any expectations, everyday is just the same. maybe i really shouldn't have celebrated my birthday.